Saturday
Happy Holidays everyone
I have been busy with the family but I promise I have not forgotten about my blog. Its a hard subject to blog about. I will be posting soon with a longer post but I wanted to wish everyone happy healthy holidays. May your bedrest keep baby cooking as long as possible. May your husbands/friends/family be helpful through this tough time. As always lots of prayers to all the babies cooking away in the baby oven- keep cooking babies.
Monday
The Guilt Complex...
Being labeled high risk often comes with a fair amount of guilt. I felt guilty for not being able to maintain my pregnancy, for putting my child in harms way. I worried with every trip to a doctors appointment. I feared that they would tell me I had dilated even more, or my cervix had shortened more then it already had. I worried I had done something to put myself in PTL. I constantly sought out the risk factors to see what it was that I did wrong. I timed my constant contractions and often had my cell phone in hand ready to call the Dr.
I felt overwhelmed with guilt at times. I just couldn't believe that my body would let my baby down like it did. Then after I had a healthy Little man in my arms I felt a sense of relief. At last I had him! Soon after he was born the nurse asked if I wanted to breastfeed him. I did. From the start Little man had it down, the perfect latch, he was a natural!
At his 1st Dr's appointment he had lost too much weight and I was told to supplement him with formula. It was disappointing but not the worst thing in the world. The plan was I would pump to build my supply and I figured my boobs would regulate it somehow. I had thought he would back to exclusively drinking breast milk in no time. This was not to be.
Despite many efforts to power pump, drinking Mothers Milk tea, and a few other things suggested to me, my supply tanked. This brought on guilt complex number two - my body is a disaster. At a little over 3 months I can't even pump a drop of breast milk for my baby. Formula isn't the worst thing in the world for a baby and I know that. Its just a feeling that I am failing as a mother, an overwhelming guilt.
This guilt happens to all of us. If it is ever a problem for you seek help. There is no shame in asking for help. I am lucky to have a wonderful husband who helps me see everyday that we have a beautiful happy healthy son and there is nothing that matters beyond that.
I felt overwhelmed with guilt at times. I just couldn't believe that my body would let my baby down like it did. Then after I had a healthy Little man in my arms I felt a sense of relief. At last I had him! Soon after he was born the nurse asked if I wanted to breastfeed him. I did. From the start Little man had it down, the perfect latch, he was a natural!
At his 1st Dr's appointment he had lost too much weight and I was told to supplement him with formula. It was disappointing but not the worst thing in the world. The plan was I would pump to build my supply and I figured my boobs would regulate it somehow. I had thought he would back to exclusively drinking breast milk in no time. This was not to be.
Despite many efforts to power pump, drinking Mothers Milk tea, and a few other things suggested to me, my supply tanked. This brought on guilt complex number two - my body is a disaster. At a little over 3 months I can't even pump a drop of breast milk for my baby. Formula isn't the worst thing in the world for a baby and I know that. Its just a feeling that I am failing as a mother, an overwhelming guilt.
This guilt happens to all of us. If it is ever a problem for you seek help. There is no shame in asking for help. I am lucky to have a wonderful husband who helps me see everyday that we have a beautiful happy healthy son and there is nothing that matters beyond that.
Wednesday
I'd like to share a few letters that I wrote while on bedrest...
Dear Irritable Uterus,
Here we are on the 4th of July in the hospital. Awesome.Whats the matter Uterus? I can see from the monitors we are hooked to that you look pretty upset. Why don't you calm the $#%! down so we can go home.
Love,
The rest of body your attached to.
______
Dear Cervix,
Bedrest? Really? Because this is where I wanted to spend my summer. Between you and my irritable uterus I'm on a first name basis with the entire L&D department. Please stop dilating so I can stop stressing out.
Love,
Irritable uterus and the rest of the body.
Here we are on the 4th of July in the hospital. Awesome.Whats the matter Uterus? I can see from the monitors we are hooked to that you look pretty upset. Why don't you calm the $#%! down so we can go home.
Love,
The rest of body your attached to.
______
Dear Cervix,
Bedrest? Really? Because this is where I wanted to spend my summer. Between you and my irritable uterus I'm on a first name basis with the entire L&D department. Please stop dilating so I can stop stressing out.
Love,
Irritable uterus and the rest of the body.
Tuesday
Sharing our stories
After a hard fought battle (oops I mean pregnancy) with my incompetent cervix I felt the need to blog. I needed to let others know they aren't alone. I'd like to provide anyone who is following this blog with two more blogs doing the same. This first one is following a mom through her second pregnancy after being high risk and having a preemie. Her blog Confessions of a High Risk Mom is one I am following for sure! The other blog I'd like to recommend is hopefully one that not many will need. The Preemie Resource Blog is an amazing gathering of several stories including NICU journeys, breastfeeding advice and many other useful tips and info. I must say that this blog has been particularly useful to me a few times as well even though LittleMan was full term.
Monday
My "day out"
While I was on bedrest my favorite day of the week was the day I had an appointment. It seems sad and pathetic now- and it seemed just as bad back then but it was a change! I looked forward to getting dressed for a reason. It was a change instead of staying in my pj's or sweatpants (which were about the only things that fit). It was a reason for putting on makeup. I always looked forward to the drive because I would go through the Dunkin Donuts drive thru and get myself a decaf iced coffee and a donut. Just something to break the monotony of bedrest.
I remember there was one week after I had been on bedrest for quite a while and they were talking to me about possibly taking me off some of my restrictions. I was so excited to go in and hear what I would be allowed to do. I remember getting there and they took my blood pressure and of course, it was high. They made me lie down and took it again- still high. After they took it a 3rd time it was clear I was still on strict bed rest and now subject to even more testing.
I was angry. Angry at my body for failing to maintain a healthy pregnancy, angry with the Dr, the nurses, with life, with well everything at that point! If I was going home to more strict bedrest there was no way I was going home without a treat for myself. I wanted subway. It was the one thing I could do that would make my day a little better.
I remember driving across the street for my sandwich. I pulled up in front of subway and there was a sign that said "Closed for construction". That set it off. I was an emotional wreck! I started sobbing in my car in the middle of the road. Subway was located in a complex so there wasn't a ton of traffic but people did have to go around me, lol. People were looking at me like I was a lunatic. If anyone had asked me why I was crying they probably would have called the police to have my mental health evaluated. I'm sure the only thing I would have told them at point was that I was hysterical because "Suh-Suh-Suuuhbwaaay is CLOSED!!!" Never-mind that there was one a block away, I was inconsolable.
May your 'day out' where ever it be too, always go better then my trip to subway. :)
I remember there was one week after I had been on bedrest for quite a while and they were talking to me about possibly taking me off some of my restrictions. I was so excited to go in and hear what I would be allowed to do. I remember getting there and they took my blood pressure and of course, it was high. They made me lie down and took it again- still high. After they took it a 3rd time it was clear I was still on strict bed rest and now subject to even more testing.
I was angry. Angry at my body for failing to maintain a healthy pregnancy, angry with the Dr, the nurses, with life, with well everything at that point! If I was going home to more strict bedrest there was no way I was going home without a treat for myself. I wanted subway. It was the one thing I could do that would make my day a little better.
I remember driving across the street for my sandwich. I pulled up in front of subway and there was a sign that said "Closed for construction". That set it off. I was an emotional wreck! I started sobbing in my car in the middle of the road. Subway was located in a complex so there wasn't a ton of traffic but people did have to go around me, lol. People were looking at me like I was a lunatic. If anyone had asked me why I was crying they probably would have called the police to have my mental health evaluated. I'm sure the only thing I would have told them at point was that I was hysterical because "Suh-Suh-Suuuhbwaaay is CLOSED!!!" Never-mind that there was one a block away, I was inconsolable.
May your 'day out' where ever it be too, always go better then my trip to subway. :)
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