Being labeled high risk often comes with a fair amount of guilt. I felt guilty for not being able to maintain my pregnancy, for putting my child in harms way. I worried with every trip to a doctors appointment. I feared that they would tell me I had dilated even more, or my cervix had shortened more then it already had. I worried I had done something to put myself in PTL. I constantly sought out the risk factors to see what it was that I did wrong. I timed my constant contractions and often had my cell phone in hand ready to call the Dr.
I felt overwhelmed with guilt at times. I just couldn't believe that my body would let my baby down like it did. Then after I had a healthy Little man in my arms I felt a sense of relief. At last I had him! Soon after he was born the nurse asked if I wanted to breastfeed him. I did. From the start Little man had it down, the perfect latch, he was a natural!
At his 1st Dr's appointment he had lost too much weight and I was told to supplement him with formula. It was disappointing but not the worst thing in the world. The plan was I would pump to build my supply and I figured my boobs would regulate it somehow. I had thought he would back to exclusively drinking breast milk in no time. This was not to be.
Despite many efforts to power pump, drinking Mothers Milk tea, and a few other things suggested to me, my supply tanked. This brought on guilt complex number two - my body is a disaster. At a little over 3 months I can't even pump a drop of breast milk for my baby. Formula isn't the worst thing in the world for a baby and I know that. Its just a feeling that I am failing as a mother, an overwhelming guilt.
This guilt happens to all of us. If it is ever a problem for you seek help. There is no shame in asking for help. I am lucky to have a wonderful husband who helps me see everyday that we have a beautiful happy healthy son and there is nothing that matters beyond that.
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